And the Joy?

I find it hard sometimes to put my thoughts on paper...and so I do not even begin. And I have doubts that what I write would even matter. But I want to look back on these days and remember the cherished moments, the sacrifices, and even the sick days. I want to remember what my heart felt like to leave my baby each day and go to work - so that someday (hopefully?) when I stay home with her I can be more patient, more compassionate and remember to choose play-time! 

But it seems my "sacrifices" are absolutely nothing to compared to what God has recently called a missionary family to endure. I do not know them directly, but the tears of compassionate and disbelief still tore down my cheeks as I read just a glimpse of their story:
http://mrskelleyinkenya.wordpress.com/2013/03/27/the-tender-love-of-god/

Their daughter Hannah was taken abruptly from their lives after just 18 months. They depict the enormous glory of God and the sweet moments of Hannah's final days!  My heart cannot help but smile at the joy God has supernaturally bestowed upon them.  But I also have to reflect on my own joy - does it really stem from being satisfied in Christ? Or if God decided to rip Mia from my life, could I still hold onto any kind of joy?  With the journey we walked to end up with Mia in the first place, I feel as if I literally thank God for her no less than 25 times a day.  I do not take her for granted and I understand God's handiwork in this mighty miracle.  However, I am not sure my blog would reflect what this missionary family expresses such a short time after her death.  I am quick to anger - it is one of my many weaknesses. I have no doubt I would be quick to be angry with God.  I would have endless questions and uncertainty.  And the joy? Well, I would hope it would return eventually.  Yet how I anticipate I would react all stems from having "control" over my heart and my responses! Oh how I rejoice that Jesus Christ has sent the Holy Spirit to watch over me!  Just like He has guided this missionary family to a place of peace, I am confident God would do the same for me.  Yet, I do pray this particular cup would pass over me!

I see the world differently since Mia was born. My friends always told me it would happen. I hope it is changing me for the better, but I am thankful that nothing changes my God - He is constant and stable no matter what!