If I am honest........
So many things could complete that sentence. If I am honest, I have to admit that being a mom is far better than I ever hoped or imagined. If I am honest, being married for 10 years is easy and wonder yet hard and stretching at the same time. If I am honest, I have to acknowledge I am a hard person to live with (who isn't I suppose?). If I am honest, I never expected to lose friends. If I am honest, my walk with God is much harder now than any other time in my life.
Let's hit on that last one a bit. I ask myself why it is hard to sit and listen through God's word. Why is it hard to understand His wisdom? How can I listen to lie after lie when I know the Truth so well? I am sure some of my much more educated friends could dig into theology and find the root of it. But here is the simple truth - if I am honest! I had plans!! That's right - I had plans. Forget that I experience no real hardship in my life. Forget that my church worships freely and worships well. Forget that my family (current and extended) brings me joy upon joy each day. Forget that my husband loves me without waiver and finds new ways to love me. I had plans for what my family would look like at the age of 33, almost 34. Never did I imagine my first child would be potty trained and out of diapers before we could even conceive a second. I was suppose to be done having kids by the time I was 30 - and have lots of them. And so the questions continue. How does God get the most glory out of this?! Why would God withhold blessing from me? He performed a miracle in Mia, so why not do it again? Didn't I learn enough the first time around? Does God find comic relief in giving babies to parents who don't "deserve" kids, yet withhold giving children to loving, christian parents? And really God - you want this struggle of infertility to permeate through my entire family, letting all my siblings struggle as well??! And the questions could go on for pages.
Some days, the doubts and fears and unbelief are all I can hear. But somehow, God's truth makes it to my heart on most days and the questions fade. They remain unanswered, but they fade into the distance. I remember that HE is all that matters. If I am honest, the joy I have in Christ is exemplified in Mia. None of the struggles that capture my heart from time to time EVER take away the joy, happiness, thankfulness and utter awe I have in the sweet miracle of Mia's life. I do not take it for granted that she is mine for a little while. So why is it so hard to walk with God right now when I experience a miracle in my home every day?! If I am honest, it is because I don't want to listen. I don't want to listen because I know what He will say. And He will expect me to grow and work out my salvation. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes it means letting go of the our own plans. Which let's be honest again - I am not willing to let go of my plans to have more babies. So I try to "sit still" in my walk with God - trying not to stir up trouble. As if that will benefit anyone! Aren't we just ridiculous some times? Let me ignore your Word which breathes life into me when I need it most, just because I am scared of the results.
Don't get me wrong. God and I talk very often. Mostly a one way conversation of informing God of my plans and why hasn't He jumped on board yet. After all, my plans can move no where without Him. So I sit at an impass. I watch my daughter excel and grow - and I find joy in simply being a part of it. Yet as she grows there is a sting of knowing there is no little sibling following behind her yet. How can there be complete joy and utter sadness flowing from my heart at the same time?
And so, once again, if I am honest, I beg for God's mercy. Not just in my circumstances. But for my heart to be truly satisfied in Him alone. To put my plans in line with His own. The truth of the matter is that I do not want my plans to come to fruition unless they are His plans alone! And so we wait and we pray.
